Home > Uncategorized > Know Your Enemy: The Boston Bruins Are Awful And So Are You

Know Your Enemy: The Boston Bruins Are Awful And So Are You

Today’s post will feature the new sworn mortal enemies, the Boston Bruins. The following message contains nine years of pent-up irrational hatred reserved for whoever we play in the playoffs. If you suck, viewer discretion is advised.

In 1776 or some time around then, a bunch of old, white dudes, all with the last name Adams or something, were pissed off with the Brits had dumped a bunch of tea into a river or some shit like that. And then America was apparently somehow born because they trolled the King of England. So, basically, if history tells us anything, it’s that Boston was the 4chan of the 18th century. Which automatically makes them the worst ever.

This historical event was then exploited by noted Boston citizen and mental patient Jack Edwards, who likened the decidedly French Montreal Canadiens to the British loyalists because Jack Edwards doesn’t understand how history works. Or analogies. Or hockey. Or microphones. Or probably even doorknobs, although that is just an educated guess on my part.

Basically, throughout history, Boston has been the class bully. Not the one that actually inspires genuine fear for your life and well-being; that’s Philadelphia. No, Boston is the loud, annoying one that everyone just kinda tolerates because they don’t want to get beat up, plus his dad’s loaded and he has an XBox and a swimming pool so we should all just be friends with him. Boston fucking sucks, and this is best reflected in their hockey team of choice: the Bruins.

THE DIRTY HALF DOZEN: WHY BOSTON AND THE BRUINS ARE STUPID

1) Boston sports fans are the biggest jackasses on the planet.

Are you from the state of Massachusetts or anywhere in the New England region? Are you a sports fan? Are you barely- if at all- literate? Do you beat your wife? If you answered yes to all four of these questions, congratulations; you’re a Boston sports fan! You win an IQ barely high enough to dial the numbers to call in to talk radio with a really terrible, loud accent!

Boston sports fans are the lowest form of life in the universe. They played the ‘WOE IS ME’ lovable loser card (which, as a Toronto sports fan, I know all about) with the Red Sox for years, only to become the most insufferable dickholes once they finally won a World Series. They either actively disliked the New England Patriots or didn’t care for their existence until Tom Brady happened. Then, just like Penguins fans in 2007, they suddenly claim they love the Patriots and have been fans of them all along. Of course, every year they don’t win a championship, they expect us to just sit and listen to how hard done by they are with their one-year Cup drought or eight-year Super Bowl drought or whatever the fuck. In the words of Owen Nolan: ‘boo hoo.’ They chant ‘U-S-A’ at hockey games despite the fact most players on their team- including five of their top six forwards- and their coach and GM are Canadian.

The fans do suck, but it goes a step further than that…..

2) No, seriously; they’re racist, homophobic shitbags.

It’s bad enough having to interact with these fans on a regular basis, but imagine doing so if you’re anything but a white, heterosexual male. If you’re playing ‘Misogyny & Homophobia Bingo‘, please line up and collect your winnings, because you just got a full card:

Also, let’s not forget how Bruins reacted last year when Joel Ward- who is black- scored the series-winning goal for Washington in OT. Something like this.

Take the bigotry of the Deep South and mix it in with the crass boorishness of Philadelphia and the arrogant winning attitude of New York. That’s basically Boston sports fandom in a nutshell.

3) Brad Marchand is a tool.

Brad Marchand is a first-liner on the Bruins and a scourge of everyone’s existence. He’s easily one of the top 3 shitbags in the Northeast (soon to be Flortheast) Division, and that only happens to be because Chris Neil and Patrick Kaleta have a mortal lock on 1-2 for the rest of their careers. When not playing hockey, Marchand’s hobbies include: diving, pirouetting, using players’ faces as speedbags, low-bridging, crying about penalties, and blogging at a 3rd grade level. If that isn’t enough for you, he can’t even spell basic words right on his own tattoos:

So, yeah, screw Marchand and the 10m springboard he dove in on.

4) Phil Kessel > Tyler Seguin, and you know it.

Despite the endless MSM narratives you will probably hear about the Kessel trade over the next week or two, this is indeed the truth. Tyler Seguin has 10 points in the postseason. In his entire career. Which involved going to the Stanley Cup Finals in 2011. Phil Kessel, on the other hand, had 11 points in one postseason with the Bruins when he was Seguin’s age, and he only went as far as the second round. Again, for effect: Phil Kessel had more points in one 11-game postseason than Tyler Seguin has in 20 career playoff games. Kessel rules, Seguin drools.

The regular season is even a little more lopsided. Seguin hasn’t yet outscored Kessel in the three seasons they’ve played together. This year, Seguin had 32 points to Kessel’s 52. Phil Kessel has now been a top 10 scorer in the entire NHL two seasons, while you’d have to scroll down juuuuuust a little bit to find where Seguin is on that map. Seguin would have been on pace for 27 goals in a full season, which is okay I guess, except for the fact when Kessel was his age, he was on his first of five 30-goal (or pace thereof) seasons. Reporters don’t like that Kessel doesn’t talk to the media much, but he does his talking on the ice just fine.

Finally, and I cannot stress this part enough: Phil Kessel knows how to use a dishwasher. Check and mate.

Now, for your viewing pleasure, here is a GIF of the very superior Kessel destroying the very inferior Seguin:

5) Tuukka Rask is an honest to god crazy person.

The Bruins seem to have this thing with crazy goalies. Tim Thomas left hockey to go live in some bunker in Colorado with a steady diet of canned rations, only leaving the house for a weekly trip to Chick-Fil-A because Obama. Legendary Bruins goalie Gerry Cheevers took a puck in the face, then promptly went for a beer and a smoke right after. And I know nothing about Anton Khudobin, but it honestly wouldn’t surprise me if his browser history was loaded with midget porn or something like that.

Right now, Tuukka Rask is the Bruins starting goalie; he is also batshit crazy. Back when he was a goalie with Boston’s AHL affiliate in Providence in 2009, he basked in a shootout loss by slamming his stick and then tossing a milk crate onto the ice. During a 5-2 loss to Toronto in 2011 (yes, it happened; look it up), Rask quite publicly bitched out his own defenseman for screening him on the ice. Finally, this season, we got the greatest Tuukka Rask School of Anger Management™ moment we could ever ask for after a shootout loss:

I mean, really, which team should you like better: the one with the goalie that is physically unable to stop smiling, or the one who likely put an axe through his TV screen at home because his remote was stuck on Two Broke Girls? If that isn’t enough to convince you, then this will:

Yeah, you’re not gonna unsee that resemblance. You can’t.

6) Jack Edwards is even crazier.

There is no doubt that Jack Edwards is an energetic guy; he has the energy of an over-caffeinated yorkie. That said, there’s a moment every few games where it becomes abundantly clear that his colour man forgot to give him his meds that morning and he just goes completely off the deep-end. He once called Benoit Pouliot a ‘chump’ and the ‘greatest disappointment in talents in the NHL,’ which made it hilarious when Pouliot signed with the Bruins the next season. He yelled ‘GET UP’ at Roman Hamrlik. He laughed maniacally at a Flyers player getting hit from behind in what had to be one of the creepiest moments in television history. As mentioned above, he gave a particularly unhinged speech comparing a Bruins-Habs series to the American Revolution. Most recently, he likened Matt Cooke to Sirhan Sirhan days after a bombing at the Boston Marathon, which he seemed pretty unapologetic for up until the point that Penguins GM Ray Shero walked into his pressbox with something kinda resembling a tire iron.

Jack Edwards may be a homer, but he doesn’t suck for that. Homers can be fun; I mean, we all like Joe Bowen, right? The difference is in the personality. Bowen’s kinda like the fun drunk uncle who tells you all these cool stories at Christmas dinner. Edwards is reminiscent of the affable next door neighbour who could snap at a moment’s notice and is likely hiding bodies in his basement freezer.

HONOURABLE MENTIONS:

-Chara likes to hit people in the head a lot (or, as it’s called in Mikhail Grabovski’s world: ‘enabling God Mode’).

-Geez Andrew Ference YOU DRIVE A HYBRID WE GET IT ALREADY SMUG ALERT.

-Milan Lucic: runs goalies because he doesn’t know how to score goals anymore.

-Fuck you, John Farrell.

-How Claude Julien looks like Bill Dauterive:

-How Peter Chiarelli looks like Tom Cruise’s character from Tropic Thunder let himself go:

-Bloo bloo Iginla wanted to sign with Pittsburgh woe is us bloo bloo bloo.

-The fact the ‘Embellishment City’ video exists.

CONCLUSION:

Eat shit, Massholes. Reimer Leafs in 7. (we hope)

Categories: Uncategorized
  1. BB64
    April 30, 2013 at 12:36 AM

    You could’ve also mentioned Seguin’s horrible, horrible tattoo.

  2. Abid Malik
    April 30, 2013 at 10:41 AM

    Hey Champ! You have way too much time on your hands. I bleed true blue but pretty sure those idiot Leafs will lose 4 straight. I got a lot of money riding on the Leafs losing 4 straight so let’s both hope that Kessel breaks his pinky while playing footsie with Kadri “the terror”-ist.

  3. Anonymous
    April 30, 2013 at 11:54 AM

    This is the greatest thing I’ve ever read.

  4. Chris
    May 1, 2013 at 9:33 AM

    Even as a Masshole Bruins fan, this article is hilarious. Nicely done and can’t wait for the puck to drop – Hope we have a good series.

  5. Anonymous
    May 1, 2013 at 2:58 PM

    This is actually pretty funny and true.
    Still your butthurt about the Leaf’s inevitable loss to the Bruins is clear.
    GO BOSTON!

  6. Anonymous
    May 2, 2013 at 7:15 AM

    Bruins fan here. Great article! Love/hate relationship with everything mentioned. Looking forward to the rest of the series.

  7. Abbie Malous
    May 14, 2013 at 9:00 AM

    haha.. leafs are the ultimate losers. Up 4-1 with less than 10 minutes to go. Amazing happens to the leafs. haha

    • May 14, 2013 at 9:03 AM

      Oh hey, look. Someone waited until the day after a series ended to comment on a two-week old piece of mine. Well, aren’t you just the pinnacle of Internet courage?

      • Chris
        May 14, 2013 at 9:25 AM

        Seriously, what a dolt. As I mentioned on PPP last night, that was a hell of series. You guys have a lot to look forward to and next year should be excited between us.

      • May 14, 2013 at 9:39 AM

        Thanks, I agree. There’s a lot to be happy about, though it wouldn’t be the Leafs if they didn’t completely stomp on your heart on the way out the door.

        Also gotta say that, after this post, I doubt I could’ve written something of this caliber about the Rangers, so maybe there’s a silver lining in that.

  8. Ouch
    May 14, 2013 at 5:11 PM

    Someone seems a little mad that they follow a terrible sports city. And in result, takes their anger out on a legendary sports city and team. Please…grow up – All B’s fans aren’t like what you say, and I am sure not all Toronto fans are like you. Boston Strongest. I’d be pissed to be going 8 years in a row without a playoff series win, and basically 7 straight years of sucking before this year. wow. The French word for “collapse” was changed to “Toronto” last night. Nice try. I’m sorry you had to pick on Boston and the Bruins this year…bad choice…how embarrassing, how embarrassing.

    • May 15, 2013 at 8:28 AM

      Once again, waiting until the end of a playoff series to have a say. More internet courage, I see.

      Also, I’d tell you how you don’t understand what satire is, but you’re a fucking idiot, so I’d waste my life energy explaining.

  9. Anonymous
    June 24, 2013 at 7:52 PM

    bruins suck!!! you lose!

  10. GD
    July 11, 2013 at 8:12 PM

    FUCK Boston and FUCK the Bruins. Seriously. It’s not even funny anymore. The clear, obvious, purely satirical bits of the above article aside, as a Vancouverite I couldn’t agree more. All the Bruins do is act like jackasses and try to sneak in punches and slashes after the whistle. They just don’t seem to get (and I’m actually giving them credit and the benefit of the doubt here) the concept of “playing whistle to whistle”. Their fans are even worse. No wonder they like acting like savages: it reflects what their team does on the ice. During the 2011 playoffs some Boston fans even found it acceptable to wish death and suffering on Vancouver and the Canucks. One particular fucktard actually said in a chatroom that he hoped the Canucks’ plane crashes. Why? Because their team of cry-baby bullies actually faced a challenge by an injured and tired Canucks team! If that’s how seriously they take ‘sport’, I’d hate to see what they wish on the alleged Boston bombing suspect (endless rape and torture, perhaps?).

    It’s always an incredible ‘accomplishment’ when your team is considered a rival and a bitter enemy by pretty much the entire rest of the league because every time they play against another team they draw nothing but blood and bullshit penalties by slashing, diving, punching, hitting, and employing a myriad of other ‘techniques’ that I’m sure Julien encourages at every level.

    Also, as a final fuck you, any Bruins fan who whines and bitches about other teams and keeps regurgitating the loud-mouthed claims of other teams “choking” will now remember which team choked the hardest against a team with skill and speed. :D That’s ok though, I’m sure the average Bostonian’s 20-minute-long length of memory has already helped them forget the 2 goals in 17 seconds that raped their team. Eat dick, you whiny, illiterate, classless, and utterly ignorant fucking douchebag trolls.

    #BostonWeakest

    #FuckTheBruins

    P.S.: As much as bad blood has existed between the Canucks and Leafs before, out here in the west (especially in Canada) we I loved how the Leafs played this year and we were proud to put aside the age-old animosities to watch a young and energized team do what the Canucks forgot to do over the last 2 playoffs. The Leafs may have let their fans down, but they’ll be back stronger next season.

  1. May 14, 2013 at 8:50 AM
  2. May 31, 2013 at 12:54 PM

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