Know Your Enemy: The Boston Bruins Are Awful And So Are You
Today’s post will feature the new sworn mortal enemies, the Boston Bruins. The following message contains nine years of pent-up irrational hatred reserved for whoever we play in the playoffs. If you suck, viewer discretion is advised.
In 1776 or some time around then, a bunch of old, white dudes, all with the last name Adams or something, were pissed off with the Brits had dumped a bunch of tea into a river or some shit like that. And then America was apparently somehow born because they trolled the King of England. So, basically, if history tells us anything, it’s that Boston was the 4chan of the 18th century. Which automatically makes them the worst ever.
This historical event was then exploited by noted Boston citizen and mental patient Jack Edwards, who likened the decidedly French Montreal Canadiens to the British loyalists because Jack Edwards doesn’t understand how history works. Or analogies. Or hockey. Or microphones. Or probably even doorknobs, although that is just an educated guess on my part.
Basically, throughout history, Boston has been the class bully. Not the one that actually inspires genuine fear for your life and well-being; that’s Philadelphia. No, Boston is the loud, annoying one that everyone just kinda tolerates because they don’t want to get beat up, plus his dad’s loaded and he has an XBox and a swimming pool so we should all just be friends with him. Boston fucking sucks, and this is best reflected in their hockey team of choice: the Bruins.
THE DIRTY HALF DOZEN: WHY BOSTON AND THE BRUINS ARE STUPID
1) Boston sports fans are the biggest jackasses on the planet.
Are you from the state of Massachusetts or anywhere in the New England region? Are you a sports fan? Are you barely- if at all- literate? Do you beat your wife? If you answered yes to all four of these questions, congratulations; you’re a Boston sports fan! You win an IQ barely high enough to dial the numbers to call in to talk radio with a really terrible, loud accent!
Boston sports fans are the lowest form of life in the universe. They played the ‘WOE IS ME’ lovable loser card (which, as a Toronto sports fan, I know all about) with the Red Sox for years, only to become the most insufferable dickholes once they finally won a World Series. They either actively disliked the New England Patriots or didn’t care for their existence until Tom Brady happened. Then, just like Penguins fans in 2007, they suddenly claim they love the Patriots and have been fans of them all along. Of course, every year they don’t win a championship, they expect us to just sit and listen to how hard done by they are with their one-year Cup drought or eight-year Super Bowl drought or whatever the fuck. In the words of Owen Nolan: ‘boo hoo.’ They chant ‘U-S-A’ at hockey games despite the fact most players on their team- including five of their top six forwards- and their coach and GM are Canadian.
The fans do suck, but it goes a step further than that…..
2) No, seriously; they’re racist, homophobic shitbags.
It’s bad enough having to interact with these fans on a regular basis, but imagine doing so if you’re anything but a white, heterosexual male. If you’re playing ‘Misogyny & Homophobia Bingo‘, please line up and collect your winnings, because you just got a full card:
Also, let’s not forget how Bruins reacted last year when Joel Ward- who is black- scored the series-winning goal for Washington in OT. Something like this.
Take the bigotry of the Deep South and mix it in with the crass boorishness of Philadelphia and the arrogant winning attitude of New York. That’s basically Boston sports fandom in a nutshell.
3) Brad Marchand is a tool.
Brad Marchand is a first-liner on the Bruins and a scourge of everyone’s existence. He’s easily one of the top 3 shitbags in the Northeast (soon to be Flortheast) Division, and that only happens to be because Chris Neil and Patrick Kaleta have a mortal lock on 1-2 for the rest of their careers. When not playing hockey, Marchand’s hobbies include: diving, pirouetting, using players’ faces as speedbags, low-bridging, crying about penalties, and blogging at a 3rd grade level. If that isn’t enough for you, he can’t even spell basic words right on his own tattoos:
So, yeah, screw Marchand and the 10m springboard he dove in on.
4) Phil Kessel > Tyler Seguin, and you know it.
Despite the endless MSM narratives you will probably hear about the Kessel trade over the next week or two, this is indeed the truth. Tyler Seguin has 10 points in the postseason. In his entire career. Which involved going to the Stanley Cup Finals in 2011. Phil Kessel, on the other hand, had 11 points in one postseason with the Bruins when he was Seguin’s age, and he only went as far as the second round. Again, for effect: Phil Kessel had more points in one 11-game postseason than Tyler Seguin has in 20 career playoff games. Kessel rules, Seguin drools.
The regular season is even a little more lopsided. Seguin hasn’t yet outscored Kessel in the three seasons they’ve played together. This year, Seguin had 32 points to Kessel’s 52. Phil Kessel has now been a top 10 scorer in the entire NHL two seasons, while you’d have to scroll down juuuuuust a little bit to find where Seguin is on that map. Seguin would have been on pace for 27 goals in a full season, which is okay I guess, except for the fact when Kessel was his age, he was on his first of five 30-goal (or pace thereof) seasons. Reporters don’t like that Kessel doesn’t talk to the media much, but he does his talking on the ice just fine.
Finally, and I cannot stress this part enough: Phil Kessel knows how to use a dishwasher. Check and mate.
Now, for your viewing pleasure, here is a GIF of the very superior Kessel destroying the very inferior Seguin:
5) Tuukka Rask is an honest to god crazy person.
The Bruins seem to have this thing with crazy goalies. Tim Thomas left hockey to go live in some bunker in Colorado with a steady diet of canned rations, only leaving the house for a weekly trip to Chick-Fil-A because Obama. Legendary Bruins goalie Gerry Cheevers took a puck in the face, then promptly went for a beer and a smoke right after. And I know nothing about Anton Khudobin, but it honestly wouldn’t surprise me if his browser history was loaded with midget porn or something like that.
Right now, Tuukka Rask is the Bruins starting goalie; he is also batshit crazy. Back when he was a goalie with Boston’s AHL affiliate in Providence in 2009, he basked in a shootout loss by slamming his stick and then tossing a milk crate onto the ice. During a 5-2 loss to Toronto in 2011 (yes, it happened; look it up), Rask quite publicly bitched out his own defenseman for screening him on the ice. Finally, this season, we got the greatest Tuukka Rask School of Anger Management™ moment we could ever ask for after a shootout loss:
I mean, really, which team should you like better: the one with the goalie that is physically unable to stop smiling, or the one who likely put an axe through his TV screen at home because his remote was stuck on Two Broke Girls? If that isn’t enough to convince you, then this will:
Yeah, you’re not gonna unsee that resemblance. You can’t.
6) Jack Edwards is even crazier.
There is no doubt that Jack Edwards is an energetic guy; he has the energy of an over-caffeinated yorkie. That said, there’s a moment every few games where it becomes abundantly clear that his colour man forgot to give him his meds that morning and he just goes completely off the deep-end. He once called Benoit Pouliot a ‘chump’ and the ‘greatest disappointment in talents in the NHL,’ which made it hilarious when Pouliot signed with the Bruins the next season. He yelled ‘GET UP’ at Roman Hamrlik. He laughed maniacally at a Flyers player getting hit from behind in what had to be one of the creepiest moments in television history. As mentioned above, he gave a particularly unhinged speech comparing a Bruins-Habs series to the American Revolution. Most recently, he likened Matt Cooke to Sirhan Sirhan days after a bombing at the Boston Marathon, which he seemed pretty unapologetic for up until the point that Penguins GM Ray Shero walked into his pressbox with something kinda resembling a tire iron.
Jack Edwards may be a homer, but he doesn’t suck for that. Homers can be fun; I mean, we all like Joe Bowen, right? The difference is in the personality. Bowen’s kinda like the fun drunk uncle who tells you all these cool stories at Christmas dinner. Edwards is reminiscent of the affable next door neighbour who could snap at a moment’s notice and is likely hiding bodies in his basement freezer.
-Chara likes to hit people in the head a lot (or, as it’s called in Mikhail Grabovski’s world: ‘enabling God Mode’).
-Geez Andrew Ference YOU DRIVE A HYBRID WE GET IT ALREADY SMUG ALERT.
-Milan Lucic: runs goalies because he doesn’t know how to score goals anymore.
-Fuck you, John Farrell.
-How Claude Julien looks like Bill Dauterive:
-How Peter Chiarelli looks like Tom Cruise’s character from Tropic Thunder let himself go:
-Bloo bloo Iginla wanted to sign with Pittsburgh woe is us bloo bloo bloo.
-The fact the ‘Embellishment City’ video exists.
Eat shit, Massholes.
Reimer Leafs in 7. (we hope)